Letting go

Ahh, it's been quite a while since I've spoken to... well, myself, in a sense. Where to begin. What prompted me to delve once more into the strange inner workings of my mind was this passage from the book "Jane Eyre" by Charlotte Bronte:

"'Be not far from me, for trouble is near, there is none to help.' It was near, and as I lifted no petition to Heaven to avert it- as I had neither joined my hands, nor bent my knees, nor moved my lips- it came, in full heavy swing the torrent poured over me. The whole consciousness of my life lorn, my love lost, my hope quenched, my faith death-struck, swayed full and mighty above me in a sullen mass. The bitter hour cannot be described, in truth, 'the waters came into my soul, I sank in deep mire, I felt no standing, I came into deep waters, the floods overflowed me.'"

These words struck a chord deep within my lost soul. I feel like I'm drowning. I've been living the same way my entire adolescent life, and now on the verge of becoming a woman, and no lasting change in my somber disposition. I feel like I need to stand with outstretched arms and cry to the heavens for help. I realized that the deep despair that has my chest tied up in a knot so unbreakable has caused an unexplained anger to consume my life. Unless I decide to let go of my grandfather's death, I will never overcome this deep set anger, and hence never become better. But how do you let go? I can't possibly decide to let him abandon me completely. I'll be left in the dark. Alone. Or even worse, with myself.
I'm not happy.
I've lost faith.
I want to abandon my life.

No one needs to save me, I don't want to be saved.

Dear Diary -Travis

dear diary
what is wrong with me
cos i'm fine between the lines
be not afraid
help is on its way
a sentence suspended in air way over there
dear diary
what else could it be
as nightshade descends like a veil under the sail of my heart
be still don't stop until the end
dear diary
what is wrong with me
cos i'm fine between the lines

It's me.
I just cried because of loneliness. You know how some dogs die and then the vet blames it on their weak heart caused by loneliness? Well, I kind of feel like one of those dogs right now... I feel so alone. It also really seems like no one is capable of loving me, because all the people who seemingly cared for me either died or abandoned me. What if I end up alone? Or even worse, get hurt again? I feel so angry with life right now, this hand I've been dealt is bloody shit. It's always the same- first I can't sleep >>Sweet insomnia<<>>Blissful anemia<<>

Song to say goodbye -Placebo

You are one of God's mistakes,
You crying, tragic waste of skin,
I'm well aware of how it aches ,
And you still won't let me in.
Now I'm breaking down your door,
To try and save your swollen face ,
Though I don't like you anymore,
You lying, trying waste of space..

Before our innocence was lost,
You were always one of those ,
Blessed with lucky sevens ,
And the voice that made me cry .
My Oh My.

You were mother nature's son ,
Someone to whom I could relate ,
Your needle and your damage done,
Remains a sorted twist of fate.
Now I'm trying to wake you up ,
To pull you from the liquid sky ,
Coz if I don't we'll both end up ,
With just your song to say goodbye.
My Oh My.

A song to say goodbye,
A song to say goodbye ,
A song to say...

Before our innocence was lost,
You were always one of those,
Blessed with lucky sevens,
And the voice that made me cry.

It's a song to say goodbye.

Thomas.
I want to kick you in your face. FUCKNUT.

No one -Alicia Keys

I just want you close
Where you can stay forever
You could be sure
That it will only get better
You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry 'cause
Everything's gonna be alright
People keep talking
They could say what they like
But all I know is
Everything's gonna be alright

And no one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel
For you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain
You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry 'cause
Everything's gonna be alright
People keep talking
They could say what they like
But all I know is
Everything's gonna be alright

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel
For you, you, you

Can get in the way of what I feel
I know some people search the world
To find something like what we have
I know people will try
Try to divide something so real
So 'til the end of time
I'm telling you there is
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

Luke.
Today's just one of those days that I really miss him. I keep replaying our time together in my head, wondering if maybe it was my fault... But I can't help feeling really angry either, why did he give up? Was I just not worth it? Did he get sick of me, of us? I want him so badly. Wow, it's been a while since I've admitted that aloud. I've been fooling myself in thinking that I'm busy getting over him. Maybe it's just about the end of the month... Our first time... and the day my granddad died... But I don't know. I keep wondering if there's even a hint of a chance that we might ever have something, anything, again someday. I'm pretty sure there isn't. Not with Hannely in the picture. She's everything that I never was, his family adores her, his friends love her and the one thing that defines Luke... She ski's... He never gave me a fair chance, he gave up on me too soon... And I was too young, immature and naive. I want my chance now. I want him back. Is she better than me? Am I out of his mind... and heart... completely? I want to do all the things I've always wanted to do for him, but was always too afraid or too stubborn to do then. I want to fight for him. He can't end up with her. It's not right.

No it isn't -(+44)

Please understand this isn't just goodbye, this is I can't stand you
This is where the road crashed into the ocean
It rises all around me and now we're barely breathing
A thousand faces we'll choose to ignore

Curse my enemies forever
Let's slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful
This desperation leaves me overjoyed
With fading lights that lead us pass the lives that we destroyed

I listen to you cry, a cry for less attention
But both my hands are tied and I'm pushed into the deep end
I listen to you talk but talk is cheap
And my mouth is filled with blood from trying not to speak

So search for an excuse and someone to believe you
In foreign dressing rooms I'm empty with the need to

Curse my enemies forever
Let's slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful
This desperation leaves me overjoyed
With fading lights that lead us pass the lives that we destroyed

Please understand

Lay rotting where I fall, I'm dead from bad intentions
Suffocated and embalmed, and now all our dreams are crashed in
You swore you wouldn't lose then lost your brain
You make a sound that feels like pain, so please understand
This isn't just goodbye, this is I can't stand you

Thomas.
You are such a fucking asshole. My second "love". What a fucking waste of my time. You made all the same promises Luke made. Thank God I was smart enough not to fall for them this time. When you decided you found your "one", I could've told you that she was going to dump your ass. You're a child. And you must've been insane when you thought I was going to sit ready, waiting. Oh my word, I feel such an intense hatred for you at the moment. I thought you were different, I was obviously beyond mental. I wish you would maybe just fall into horse shit right about now. Grow the fuck up Thomas Geier. MAN UP.

The Scientist -Coldplay

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh, and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
I'm going back to the start

Oupa.
I can't sleep. And if I sleep, I keep on dreaming of the days where things were still perfect, where I was still happy. I miss you so much. It broke my heart way before Luke ever could when you died. I wish I could see you one more time, tell you how much I love you, and how much I need you. Is it going to hurt like this forever? Will I be able to remember your face? I can't remember it, I don't want to... If I remember you, I'll think of you and my heart will break all over again. I don't know who I am.

The time traveler's wife

The Time Traveler's Wife.
Wow... What would I do if I knew exactly when and how I was going to die? What a burden, yet also such a blessing. If I could see the people I lost just one more time? Wow... What would I say to them? Could I have maybe prevented their deaths? Could I have changed ANYTHING?